Descanso Gardens

Last weekend started off pretty rocky. After a couple days of bad news, Theo and I definitely needed something relaxing and fun to do. Theo had never been to Descanso Gardens so I decided to surprise him with driving there Sunday morning. We meandered through the woods and fields of flowers, enjoying the quiet and peacefulness of being surrounded by nature. As we walked, we talked optimistically about how we will bring a little one there one day. The trip was a tall glass of sunshine for our souls.

Spring has sprung!

My sweet peas have made their return for 2011. I love seeing that first bloom of the year, which actually came up last week but I forgot to post. What's really neat is that my sweet peas are from seeds from my grandma's garden. My grandma has sent sweet pea seeds to my cousin in Seattle, my cousin in San Fransisco, my aunt in North Carolina. They've definitely gotten around the block.

Being diagnosed

I received a call from my Ob/gyn on Friday afternoon, and listened to the voicemail she left while sitting in my boss's office. I heard my doctor say the lab results look good, sugars, thyroid, cholesterol all good. The next statement made my heart sink and tears well in my eyes. My boss watched my face changed as the news poured out of my phone. My doctor said, "Your hormone levels show that you have what is called Polycyctic Ovarian Syndrome." Those three words meant one thing to me, infertility. My boss excused me from work for the rest of the day and I raced home, balling my eyes out the whole way.

I told my husband, my parents, my best friend, my cousin. I thought the more I said it out loud, the less alone I would feel. Of course they were all amazingly supportive, especially my husband. But it didn't change the fact that this problem inside of me was making my life long fear of infertility a very real possibility. Second to finding a partner in life to love and love me back, the only thing I ever wanted was children. All my dreams of being pregnant and raising a child with my husband's good looks flashed before my eyes.

This past weekend was spent reading and crying. My husband was next to me, reading over my shoulder and holding me tight so I could cry on his. I can't say enough how amazing that man is. Through the reading I would go back and forth between encouraging and scary information. The ladies on my board have been very encouraging, some have been through this before and showed me I'm not alone. I've found out that PCOS effects every woman differently, some get pregnant easily, and some are unable to even with the best treatments. Statistics are a perfect example of this.

- PCOS affects 1 in 10 women: Encouraging (that's a lot of women)

- 50% of pregnancies in women with PCOS end in miscarriage: Earth shatteringly discouraging

I finally spoke with my doctor this morning to get more information. She was so relaxed about the whole thing, like she sees it all the time. She set up a plan for us including birth control pills (regulates hormones) until we are ready to start trying, then Clomid (induces ovulation).

It may be common, but it is new to me. It's a diagnosis that could effect my entire life. Untreated it can cause diabetes, endometrial cancer, coranary artery disease, etc...

I will be optimistic soon, but until then, I'm scared. There's a huge dose of self pitty that I'm waiting to wear off.

My husband is key to my survival. When my sadness and fear make it seem like our dreams are floating away, he grabs hold and shows me we can face anything if we do it together. I believe in him and I believe in us. I just pray the rest falls into place.

Missing this...

Theo is gone this weekend in Hawaii. Not for vacation but for work, because his team is playing University of Hawaii. He's been gone since Wednesday, and even though I started missing him the minute he left, I guess I'm missing him more than usual right now. Whenever I'm feeling far away from my love, I look at some of my favorite pictures of him. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

I took this picture last weekend right after he got home from his last work road trip. I was on-call and working on the computer when I turned to say something to him. He was fast asleep and much to my surprise, keeping himself warm with my Blankie. He HATES Blankie and always chucks it across the room if it accidentally makes it's way to his side of the bed. And there he was, sleeping like a baby, under my baby blanket.

Oh and let me make a note that this well kept Blankie is actually Blankie #2 given to me on my 13th birthday. It was the exact same blanket from Neiman Marcus that I had from baby-13. The remains of Blankie #1 are stuffed in a shadow box courtesy of my mom.

I can't wait for baby to come home tomorrow night. Until then Blankie will have to keep me company at night.